What started as a brief conversation with someone about ‘Chuluaqui Quodoushka’ – the teachings of a new age religious group called The Deer Tribe Medicine Society - ended up turning into today’s post and I’ll tell you why.

It all began when an acquaintance told me about a course she had taken in the States about the aforementioned Chuluaqui Quodoushka. ‘It was brilliant’, she said, ‘its based on Native American principles about sexuality’. She went on to tell me that Native American Indians apparently ushered young men into adulthood by allowing older female tribes people to teach them how to make love…

This sounded somewhat fanciful to me and upon further investigation, my suspicions were confirmed. Modern day descendents of the Cherokee Nation have done just about everything they can to distance themselves from the ideas expounded by The Deer Tribe Medicine Society and its founder Harley Reagan.

But my interest was piqued. Not by a bunch of new age sexual fetishists but by the idea that people could be taught how to have sex before they are unleashed upon the rest of the world. And this in turn reminded me of a little tale I was told a while back. It went something like this:

‘Dear Kate

I found your blog the other day and I thought you might be interested in my situation. I just turned twenty-nine and somehow, I am still a virgin. I know it means nothing but I can't help feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

I am a decent-enough looking guy; I'm not crazy or weird in a way that makes people run away. I was even pretty popular in school. Anyway, the relevant bit is that as thirty looms large on the horizon and I feel like more of a sexless freak, I have been considering the possibility of paying for sex and getting the first hurdle out of the way. I dunno if I'd have the guts to do it but I just keep thinking about it. I have no illusions that the first time will be great anyway, so why not just get it done in whatever crap way necessary?

Best wishes,

Nothing too unusual here. I get emails like this all the time. Granted, they are not often from twenty nine year olds but in general, emails from older virgins are far more frequent than you might think. The point is that being a virgin is difficult in today’s society. Being a twenty nine year old virgin is even harder. What kind of woman is going to expect to sleep with a twenty nine year old man only to discover that he has no experience whatsoever? And what kind of thoughts are going to be going through said man’s head at the prospect of such an occasion? I’ll tell you what thoughts are going through his head. They are here:

‘My name is Dan and a few months ago I wrote you an email about my situation. I want to update this for reasons that will become obvious.
In October, I turned twenty-nine and still a virgin. Many years of drastically falling confidence had taken their toll to the point that I was even considering the possibility of getting my virginity out of the way by paying for sex. Your reply was very sympathetic and warming and I thank you for that!

The reason I am writing, is that after much talk with close friends about letting go of worry and embracing whatever comes in life, I have managed to turn a huge corner. I feel that the conscious effort to change to a more positive outlook on life has led me to this most recent situation...

...A few nights ago at a rock nightclub with friends, a female friend who I had always thought was stunning but out of my league, drunkenly confessed that she really liked me. I was in total, and I mean TOTAL shock. Before I knew it, we were kissing and spent the rest of the night doing the same. She made it clear that she was willing to have sex that night and she came back to my place for coffee but I felt so in shock and wary of her being drunk that we left it at that - with the promise of a date. My confidence from that night was boosted immeasurably, along with my newfound attitude of wanting to embrace the scary changes which can make life wonderful.

We met a few days later and hit it off right where we left off and it was so exciting! We got a little tipsy, and then quite drunk, although I must stress that alcohol only greased the wheels of an already rolling wagon, and then we had a great night of conversation and flirting and increasingly passionate kissing, before walking back to her place.

I was more drunk than I realised, but completely in control of my thoughts and kept thinking, ‘Is this it? Could this be it?’ Before I knew it we were on her bed, then becoming naked - a new first for me – and then we were doing all those things I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to taste. And it all felt so natural.
For a first time, I would guess it was pretty good. The only flaw was that I was a bit too inebriated to, (there's no other way to put it, sorry), actually cum. But I had my first taste of actual, real sex, giving and receiving oral, and intercourse. I had actually had proper sex!

As we talked afterwards, I told her that that had been my first time, and she was shocked. She said she never would have guessed, and that it had been perfectly good sex for her, especially considering our states of being at the time. We slept on and off and I felt more than anything, a pleasant calm, a reassurance, like I can’t believe I thought it was anything other than a natural thing to do.

Remembering the night now, a day later, it all seems like a hazy surreal dream. I almost forget that I am no longer a virgin. Everyday things seem surprisingly the same, mundane, same as always... but I feel different inside. I am so far from being experienced but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I find a new courage to look forward in life with hope and confidence.

Please forgive my getting a little carried away and poetic! But as I look forward to learning so much more, and with my confidence threatening to soar for the first time in years, I feel the need to share this story with you.
I hope this follow up is of interest to you... and thanks for your blog, which I have found a comfort at times.

Best wishes,

Well now, as if that were not good enough…there was more to come. Literally. But not before I explain my point. Sex is an important part of our lives. I do not need to tell you that. Learning how to do it well – or even incredibly well - is all just a part of a process. Learning to drive a car, speaking a language, these all require practice and patience. Sex is no different.

Now imagine that some kind, loving person had taken the time to teach you everything you needed to know about the language of love instead of putting up with the fumbling blur of painfully inadequate moves that most of us still recoil from when we recall that inchoate time of our sexual lives. Imagine that our first sexual experiences played out like this:

‘Anyway, I asked her how she felt about me being a virgin to start with and she said she almost felt a bit bad for ‘corrupting’ me, but not really because I was so obviously happy with the ‘corruption’. She is moving overseas at the end of August. We both knew this when we hooked up so the whole thing has been on a no-long-term plans basis.

And the best bit? She has decided that it is her responsibility to leave the country having equipped me with as much experience as possible by introducing me to all the different elements of sex.

Its really cool to have someone be totally open and honest, showing me things and asking how it is, helping me find what I like or don’t, telling me what works best, encouraging me to explore everything...she always asks if there is anything I want to know, to just ask and she will be honest. Everything is completely relaxed and curious. To be honest, it's like a guys dream come true’.

No kidding. It’s not a dream; it’s a total fantasy! And not only that, but the love gets shared around. Imagine how pleasant it’s going to be for the next lucky lady who gets to spend ‘quality time’ with this unusual young man.

Here is a man who has been taught to talk about sex, to ask questions of his partner, to enquire as to whether one likes this…or that? This is a person who is aware of the fact that what might please one person, might not please another and not to take it personally if they don’t. And whilst the idea of ‘ushering young people into adulthood by teaching them how to make love’ was always going to be an iffy one and clearly open to abuse, it does make you wonder…what are the really important bits of information that we should be telling young people? What would actually benefit their sexual lives? Because lets face it, they are going to have a sexual life whether you think they are ready for it or not so we may as well tell them something that is actually worth knowing.

And as far as I have been able to work out in the last twenty five odd years – and it didn’t happen overnight, I wish someone had spelt it out for me - learning how to communicate with a partner is the single most important path towards pleasure that one can walk. And it works both ways. Here is why….

‘Hi Kate,

Do you remember emails from a guy called Dan who recently lost his virginity to a lady? Well, I am that lady that you sounded interested in hearing the other side of the story from.

I will admit I was shocked when he told me he was a virgin - for a couple of reasons, number one, I wouldn't have guessed it because we were both drunk and I just thought maybe it had been a while for us both and number two, to have the balls to admit something like that to a complete stranger took guts.

After he told me I was in a state of shock. I think the best image is to liken me to a goldfish. Not much sentence making was going on but I realized he had chosen to tell me so I said it was all OK even though inside, I have to admit that I panicked a bit.

Afterwards, I went off to work and thoughts started flashing through my mind like why me? I don't have anything good to offer! I’m not sure I want to corrupt him. I'm not good enough for this role. Then I just decided that it was meant to be, that for whatever reason he had chosen me and so I decided to take him under my wing and find ways to make it fun but educational.

We explored what he liked and then he explored what I liked but I always made sure that he got to try everything he fancied and I got to do the same. I did point out though that everyone was different and it’s all about communication but that it didn't have to be verbal. Anyway, we took it from there and it was great to see the change in him and how much more confident he was around women, and blokes for that matter. I think a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

When I first met Dan, I had just come out of a very long-term relationship and you fall into habits and we had stopped exploring so it was great to meet someone who I felt comfortable with that I could explore and reconnect those feelings of desire without feeling judged or embarrassed.

It was as much learning for me as I think it was for him to be honest. But fun too and I believe everything should have an element of fun or positivity to it or why bother! It brings a smile to my face knowing that he will at least be going out there with a few tools that he can develop and have fun with.


The partner in crime :-)’

Let that be a lesson (in love) for us all. Amen. Today’s sermon is over.

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