Dear Fannie,

I’m a 25 year old lesbian and I’ve been in a relationship with a coworker of mine for over a year now. The major issue at hand is her ex-girlfriend. What’s even worse is that they’re roommates. They were living together as a couple and then broke up, but never moved out! Now, I fully acknowledge that I have a jealous streak. Maybe I’m paranoid, maybe I’m territorial. But I feel like my girlfriend and her ex spend way too much time together. They have weekend trips together, go shopping, eat out, go to the movies… all things that I would like to do with my girlfriend. Even worse, she’ll frequently ditch me to hang out with her ex, even after we’ve made plans far ahead in time. We’ve broken up a few times over this, but she keeps on sweet talking me back in. I feel like I’m constantly being excluded, and not made a priority. I’m her girlfriend for crying out loud, where’s the love?


Frustrated, it’s pretty clear you have a bad case of excessive baggage. Now, I know this is one of the few times I’ve specifically addressed a lesbian relationship, and I’m really sorry it’s a situation as unfortunate as this. But love it or hate it, lesbians have a bad rep for not only rushing into relationships, but also arriving with Uhauls of emotional baggage. In your case it sounds like your girlfriend never really brought any baggage to you, more that you’ve been brought to her palace of emotional manipulation. (Please note: I no way intend to connote that women exclusively are emotionally manipulative. Men are plenty good at it too).

First off, it’s reasonable and necessary that your girlfriend have friends outside your relationship. It’s completely unreasonable to think that you and you girlfriend can provide for all of each other’s emotional, physical, social, psychological, and sexual needs. That’s what friends (and open relationships [a.k.a. functional relationships]) are for. And it’s commendable that your girlfriend is still good friends with her ex. It shows how she has the potential of being emotionally mature and can adapt emotionally and socially to changing situations. However, while she may not be “cheating” on you with her ex, she’s definitely leaving you in their emotional dust as they speed away into their “platonic” sunset. I hate to break it to you, Frustrated, but it sounds like you’re girlfriend is trying to have her cake, and eat it too.

It’s not paranoid of you to be wary of her relationship with her ex. If they were just friends, I’d tell you to get over yourself. But she has had a previous sexual and romantic relationship with this woman. You are completely within your rights to demand that some boundaries be set. If she’s going to be your main romantic partner, she should make the effort to show you that you’re a priority in that department. If she can’t even muster the energy to put you before her ex-girlfriend, DTMFA (thank you Dan Savage).

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