For reasons unexplainable by science (and we've tried), comic books and queers just go together. There's just something about leading a double of which entails wearing spandex...that speaks to the community. And while Batman remains in the bat-closet, there are oodles of out and proud superheroes, braving the dangers that make breeders quake in their crocs. These are the guys to call when the world absolutely, positively must be saved before the Project Runway marathon.

Moral of the story: I've compiled a dream team of gay superheroes....because I have that kind of free time and you've got nowhere else to turn for your giggles ever since you found your boyfriend on Lurid Digs. Leopard print curtains? Your standards are so low they've found Jimmy Hoffa.

Northstar (Marvel) – The crown queen of gay heroes. Officially out in 1992, six years after Watchmen introduced gay characters to the mainstream, he retains the honor of being the first openly gay male superhero in American comics. Canadian, but in a good way. Had AIDs, but got better, somehow. A regular feature in Marvel's Swimsuit Edition, as if you don't already have all the fucking issues. Superhuman speed enables him to pick out swatches and decorate an apartment in the time it takes you to decide if it's just a fart or if you're going to need to make a run for it. Most likely to maintain a blog where he complains about everyone else but in French so nobody can read it, which drives Wolverine apeshit.

Tasmanian Devil (DC) – While other heroes struggle with prejudice and maintaining their secret identity, Hugh Dawkins struggles with a really shitty superpower. Able to transform into a giant talking, you guessed it, Tasmanian devil, Hugh is charged with fighting giant bee-people and solving mysteries like “the case of the delicious missing children”. Will not handle the press very well, unable to determine if reporters are wondering what it's like to be gay or what it's like to look like a Satanic wookie and resorting to ripping off the head of the nearest living creature screaming “I'M NOT A MONSTER, I WAS BORN THIS WAY!” at the top of his lungs. Movie deal likely.

Flatman (Marvel) – 2nd in command of the Great Lakes Avengers. So thin he can fit through Ann Coulter's ass cheeks, and able to stretch wider than [insert politician]'s web of lies and bullshit. Claims to have a doctorate in “stuff”, which is probably a division of queer studies. Once won a superhero poker tournament, beating out The Thing, a man who can't express any emotion other than “is it lunch time yet?” and Spider-Man, who's so good at keeping secrets that every one of his villains knows his secret identity. Practically guaranteed to be the first superhero shoved up the ass of another for mutual sexual gratification.

Midnighter & Apollo (Wildstorm) – When DC realized they could never realize the dream of so many slashfic authors by making Batman and Superman's romance public, they made generic copies of them through their Wildstorm label to give its fans what they've been waiting for in the cheapest way possible. The dark and roguish Midnighter will try to play the part of the outsider, despite the fact that everyone will prefer him to the aloof and painfully good-looking Apollo. At some point they'll break up, one of them will become a villain, it'll rekindle their spark, they'll fall back in love, and all the while Tasmanian Devil is waddling awkwardly through his apartment, looking for some tongs and a friend who can keep a secret.

Fabulance (independent) – Teenage superhero, snappy dresser, and power twink. Featured on and Echo Magazine. Current arch-nemesis is the “notability guidelines” wikipedia. His weakness against cover charges will somehow be exploited by every villain they face.

If we don't get any hate mail over this, next week I'll do SuperFriends of Dorothy: Lesbian Edition!

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