Fishing is fun. You get out on the water. The earlier the better: cooler and calmer waters, more opportunities to reel them in, and at 5am you’re too zoned out to really care about what you look like or where you are. You bait the hook and fling it out into the water and gently bob it until some unsuspecting fish grabs hold. If you’re lucky, you wrestle the fish a bit and it’s caught. Then you are given the option of keeping it or tossing it back in the water where it came from. There are many deciding factors, but you usually judge it first by looks. Finally, if you decide to keep the sucker, you take it back with you, strip down the protective scales, gut it, eat it, and pick your teeth with its bones when the carnage ceases.

With the recent onslaught of posts regarding online dating, online hooking, online swinging, and online sinking, (Made the fishing connection yet? If not, please leave.) it was a troublesome task attempting to steer away from the subject that has plagued our minds like Ebola in monkeys, eating away at internal organs and shutting down all bodily functions. Why do you haunt me so? Therefore, when in doubt, I’m just going to embrace it and roll with it and hopefully it won’t blow up in our faces. (Or do we secretly want it to?)

After exercising some expert sleuthing skills I came upon a list of online dating Don’ts for women. (Fine, I opened up a web browser and it was sitting conveniently on my homepage but James Bond still ain’t got nothing on me.) 14 Fatal Online Dating Errors That Women Make. At the end of the not-so-inspiring guidelines, the article gave me a link to Fatal Online Dating Errors for Men. Ten. Men make ten big fuckups while the women make fourteen? Things are looking awry…Getting a closer gander at the lists, it’s blatantly clear how engendered the lists by “writer” David Wygant really are. Yes, I realize that I’m a doofus because why separate lists by sex when you don’t have to? Obviously this engendering was at play from the very beginning. Am I irked by this? Not part, but let’s pretend I am and do a little more investigating. Wygant, let’s use your words:

M: Top 10 email turnoffs for women
W: 14 biggest online dating mistakes women make

M: Women are all about connecting with their minds.
W: Read an article in the sports section. All paragraphs are short so men can digest that information in short bursts.

M: Several women have complained to me that men ask them to send pictures of themselves in bikinis or other such things, so that men can see their body. Men, don't do this!
W: Men are as visual as Scooby Doo on steroids.

Fuck it, I can’t keep going, it’s making me ill. It’s funny to me that all the Don’ts for men revolve around being the proactive and the Don’ts for Women are all about the ladies desperately waiting, cloistered to the…well, cloistered sums it up pretty well actually.

As a response to this dickwad getting the opportunity to say stupid shit, here are a few tips on online dating of my own and I’m not going to explain them:

1. Having a photo is good.
2. Go into it like you’re attempting to make a friend, nothing more.
3. Chill the fuck out.
4. When in doubt, turn off the computer.
5. Masturbate often.
6. When looking for action, use a site dedicated to those activities…or call me.

There. Go buck wild. Dating is a game. Stay calm, collected, and just wait for that fish to bite. They will. Fish are stupid.

Oh yeah, and if you find someone special and get hitched and preggers and all that fun shit just realize that this stuff happens away from the computer…and remember, it doesn’t have to be to the grave. In Bavaria.

Take a peek; the lady is pretty fucking awesome.

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